Sunday—I am afraid to take the hot yoga class. I keep feeling resistance and as I walked this morning I kept asking why. We started on our trek to the local dog park. Sedona was doing her usual snow sled pull. And this morning instead of getting angry which I have been, I just stopped and announced to the pack we were more in a different direction. Wow—if I had only made that choice before. I was taught when things get tough, you tough it out and prove you can do it. Maybe it was a combination of sports back when the philosophy was play through pain and my parents who stayed together for 25 years and should have gotten divorced after 10 years. According to my mom, she stayed together for my sister and I. Despite both of our pleas for her to get a divorce. Go figure!
Anyway, as I was walking I realized that I was afraid to go to yoga. I remember the last time I went, and I am in even worse shape now. It was really hard and I felt worse about myself. I also feel like I am on to something with pilates—strengthing the core. I need to do that and I have to believe and trust that when I am ready for hot yoga, I will go. At least now, I have a new mat and will be ready. Did you every just throw yourself into something even if you weren’t ready, just jumped? It is hard to make distinctions between allowing our fears to hold us back and creating a new pattern of being gentle with one self. For me, I have not been gentle, and part of this is recognizing it is ok for me to say no, I am not ready and to just do one thing right now. I have always done more than one thing and it tiring to the spirit. I also lost track of my intuition or my gut. Now I am connected and connected to my spirit guides.
I guess part of me no being gentle is not waiting. My friend who is into Human Design (kind of like astrology but more of a religion) tells me that I need to wait to be invited. That concept is true. I use it in my coaching and real estate and it works. However, when I use it on myself it is hard. I always want things to happen. I spent 7 years waiting for a degree and a life I was never to have. I refused to ignore the signs and plowed ahead. I don’t regret it but not a lesson I want to keep having to learn. I have to remember to trust the Universe will provide. I have to let go that I am in charge, in control of anything.
You know up here at 4500 feet, I am in the clouds literally. I have been reading in the paper about people who started coming here for inspiration and slowly but surely they buy a house here. One guy told me about the influx of young people. They are just arriving. I believe just as Don Miguel Ruiz (author of 5 Agreements—must readJ) says that when we are young we are more in touch with our spirit, our soul, our connections to the Universe. I still remember a story my Uncle Jack told me about my cousin Michael. Michael was just 4years old and he was watching a bird. My Uncle asked him what he was looking at and he said, “Dad, I used to be a bird and fly like that.” Be gentle and fly.